The One with Sharon Stone
by Roland Chang
Summary: Takes place around season 7. I hope you'll like it!
1. Chapter 1

The One With Sharon Stone 

* * *

Written by: Roland Chang (e-mail: prayudhi@uninet.net.id)

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

* * *

[Scene: A public library, Ross enters and heads to the desk with the young male librarian on duty.]

**Ross: **Excuse me. I'm looking for an old book called "Introduction to Paleontology". It was published in 1923, if I'm not mistaken.

**The Librarian:** (sarcastically) Well, that book is one of our most wanted books, you know! 

**Ross: **Really??!! (smiling) See? I knew my students would actually read a book I'm suggesting. 

**The Librarian: **(annoyed) Can't you just check on the computer? We have a **complete **catalog.

**Ross:** Yes, I know—but some students are still using it after I wait for 35 minutes, so I don't wanna disturb them. 

**The Librarian: **(sarcastically) Because they're hard-working students.

**Ross: **(shyly) No-no. It's mmm….it's because one of them is really **really **big.

**The Librarian: **Fine. What's the name of the book again?

**Ross: **"Introduction to Paleontology".

**The Librarian: **Wait a minute.(he types into his computer.) It's on stack 907. 

**Ross: **Thanks. (waits) Hey, isn't uh-isn't somebody going to help me find it?

**The Librarian: **Oh, don't worry, I'll help you personally. But after I finish with my important task over here, okay? (shows Ross his Archie's Double Digest. Ross is not smiling anymore.) 

Opening Credits 

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Rachel are there.]

**Phoebe: **Damn, I still can't believe that you guys engaged! 

**Monica: **Why, Pheebs? You're not being jealous, are you? Oh my God, you were in love with Chandler too, don't you!!

**Phoebe: **How did you know?!! (Monica panicked) Just kidding, Monica! (pause) I lost a bet with Rachel.

**Chandler: **Ooh, a bet? How much, how much?

**Rachel:** Just a little over three hundred and fifty dollars. (to Phoebe) I told you they were gonna last.

**Phoebe: **Yeah. (pause) Damn, I knew I should have done something in the last minute. (makes a kissy face and winks at Chandler, and Chandler makes a kissy face too. Monica glares at Chandler.) 

**Chandler: **What??!

**Monica: **You **never** make kissy faces at me!!!

[Scene: Paleontology section. Ross is searching for his book.]

**Ross: **(while walking) Stack 903, 904, 905, 906, 908, 909… (stops) Hey!! Where's 907? (turns around) This is 908, and this is 906… (stops and then pointing the top of the rack.) Hey! 907! But I can't reach it. Oh, here's a ladder. (starting to climb up the ladder.)  

**Old Woman's Voice: **Excuse me sonny, can you tell me where you keep the sex books?

**Ross: **(answering without turning around) I think it's upstairs next to the biology section.

**Old Woman's Voice: **Thank you. (pats Ross on the butt.)

**Ross: **Hey!! Excuse me…. (turns around) Phoebe?! That's not funny! 

**Phoebe: **(still mimicking an old lady) Don't you want a little geriatric lovin'?

(Ross is not amused.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Rachel still sitting around as Joey enters.]

**Joey: **Hey you guys.

**All: **Hey Joey!

Chandler: So? How the audition goes? 

**Joey: **It sucked. Another rejection again. You know what, I think now I'm seriously going to consider Estelle's idea this time.

**Rachel: **Really? What is it? Uh, is it to write your own movie?

**Chandler:** Teach a soap-opera class again?

**Monica: **Oh, I got it, I got it! She told you to do a radio show, didn't she?

**Joey: **No. (pause) She wants me to do gay porn.

**Rachel: **Attaboy. (taps Joey in the head.)

**Joey: **(seductively) You like that, don't you Rach? (gasps) I mean…. I don't wanna do gay porn! I'm straight!! 

**Rachel: **(seductively) Well, you never know until you try it, don't you stud? 

**Chandler: **(angrily) Yes Joey, now bend on your knees and doyour **job**!

**Joey: **(scared) Monica, I'm scared.

**Monica:** (to Chandler) Honey, don't scare Joey with your personal experience. 

**Rachel: **(gasps) What?! Chandler?? Have you…. (Chandler glares at Monica.)

**Monica: **I mean, don't scare Joey with your **dad's **experience.

[Scene: Paleontology section. Ross and Phoebe are there.]

**Ross: **(climbing down the ladder) Pheebs, what are you doing here?

**Phoebe: **Well, you know me. I really **really **like books. A lot. 

**Ross: **Pheebs, look at you, you're lying! C'mon, tell me the truth.

**Phoebe:**Okay, it's the free porn.

**Ross: **(loudly) Free **porn**?!! 

(Everyone's staring at Ross).

**Ross: **(loudly) Oh, you mean free **phone**!! 

(Everyone's shaking their heads.)

**Ross: **(in a more normal voice) I didn't know you can get that kind of stuff here. 

**Phoebe: **No, not stuff. The real-life action!  

**Ross: **Phoebe?!! I can't believe you! You're watching people making love at the library? You are a freak! You're sick!!

**Phoebe**: You did it too, didn't you?

**Ross: **(shyly) Yeah, sometimes.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are still there.]

**Chandler: **(reading a newspaper) Hey hey, check this out! Here Joey, read this! (giving Joey the newspaper.) 

**Joey: **Ashley Judd's married? Come on dude, you're making me more miserable here! I don't have a job, and now my future wife's gone! (to the newspaper) I still love you Ashley.

**Chandler:** No, you sick man! Read the news under it!

**Joey:** (reading) "The sequel of Basic Instinct is on the brink of being cancelled because the producer can't find a leading man." Hm, that's strange. I don't think those National Geographic movies need a leading man.

**Rachel: **National Geographic?! Joey, what're you talking about?

**Joey: **(making a quote sign) It's "Basic Instinct". I thought it was a movie about animals… and how they mate and stuff. Is it?

**Monica: **Close enough. But it's not about animals. 

**Chandler: **It's not?!

**Monica: **Chandler! How can you forget our first make-out movie! (Chandler mouths, "I'm just kidding!")

**Rachel: **(confused) Make-out movie? What's that? Some movie that you watch while you….. (realizes) oh.

**Monica:** Yeah, it's about a detective and his suspect…. (shyly) and how they mate and stuff.

**Joey: **Really?! (excited) How come I didn't know about it? 

**Chandler: **Well, it's not really your kind of movie. (Joey looks confused.) Well, this one has a story, and there are people talking too. 

**Joey:** Oh yeah, definitely not my kind of movie.

**Chandler: **But they must be desperate right now. I bet if you talk to Estelle, she will try to get you an audition for it!

**Rachel: **Oh my God honey, I can't believe you're going to star in this huge movie!

**Joey: **I know! Okay, I gotta go! Thanks, Chandler, you're the greatest friend.

**Chandler:** You're welcome. (Joey exits.)

**Monica: **That is so sweet, Chandler. 

**Chandler:** Nah. I just want to hear how he got dumped by Sharon Stone.

Commercial Break 

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, the next day. Everyone is having breakfast, except Joey.]

**Rachel: **Did anyone hear what time Joey comes home last night? 

**Monica: **No. Why? 

**Rachel:** Well, it's not normal for him to stay up so late. 

**Phoebe:** Oh, Rach, you don't take those _Excedrin P.M._ again do you? You know, it's not good to take them every day.

Ross: How did you know? 

**Phoebe: **Well, I kinda try it myself.

**Chandler:** Wow, that explained all the weirdness about you, Pheebs. 

**Phoebe:** Chandler, I did it years ago, you haven't even met me!

**Chandler: **(sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry, Pheebs. Because you know--when we met, I thought you are very normal. 

**Phoebe:** (not realizing it) Thanks! 

**Rachel: **No honey, I didn't take anything. But Joey must've coming home really late, because I didn't hear a thing.

Chandler: Well, you know, he only comes home really late when he hooked up with someone.(realizes and pointing to Joey's door) Oh my God! He's in there with someone! Someone from the audition! 

**Rachel:** Oh my God!! Joey's in there with Michael Douglas!!

**Monica: **Rachel! Joey's not gay!

**Rachel:** Well, he must've been trying my advice then. I told you, you never know it until you try it. I know it doesn't work on me.

(Everyone looks at Rachel funny.)

**Rachel:** What?!

**Monica: **Okay, okay. I'm very very curious right now! Who wants to volunteer and peek through Joey's keyhole?

**Chandler: **(shocked) Monica! (pause) That's a very good idea!

**Phoebe: **I think Ross should do it. 

**Ross: **Why-uh-why-uh, why me?

**Phoebe: **Because you went to the **library** the whole time.

**Ross: **(not amused) Hey, I thought you went to the **library **the whole time too. 

**Phoebe**: But these people don't know that you are a…. (Everyone's listening.) A **nice** person.

**Ross: **(gives up) All right, all right. I'll do it. (Walks to Joey's door.)

**Rachel**: All right, Ross. Tell us all. Tell mama all!

**Chandler: **Tell papa too!

**Ross: **(crouching and not amused) Hmph…. okay, there's a foot, a thigh, and… oh dear God!

Monica: What, what? Is it really Michael Douglas? 

**Ross: **No, but I think I just saw Joey's mmhhm….  (shyly) royal subject.

**Phoebe**: Come on Ross, you don't have to act so innocent.

(Everyone except Ross was trying not to laugh. Ross is shocked.)

**Ross: **Phoebe didit too!!

**Rachel: **No-no-no, don't worry honey… now we all know why you love to spend a lot of time in the **library**. 

(Everyone laughs now.) 

**Monica**: Come on Ross, don't be so upset. Now go back to that keyhole and peek some more!

**Ross: **(dejectedly) Okay. (Ross crouches and peeks again.) Sorry guys, I can't see anything. Maybe if I try to… 

(The door opens slowly, and Joey finds Ross crouching behind the door.)

Ross: (standing and turns to everyone behind him) I told you my finger couldn't fit the keyhole! 

**Phoebe:** Won the bet!

(Joey oddly tries to close the door really fast.)

**Chandler: **(teasing) Hey Joe! Why do you have to close the door so fast? Is there something you're hiding back there? 

**Joey: **No. (pause) There is **nobody** in my bed.

**Monica: **Joey….

**Rachel: **It's Michael Douglas, isn't it?! See? I knew you would listen to my advice. 

**Joey: **Michael Douglas?! No, Rach! I told you, I'm straight!

**Chandler:** Then who is it Joey?

**Joey: **Well… it's uh—it's uh-    

(Joey's door opens and a beautiful woman wearing a robe comes out. Yeah, you're guessed it right. She's Sharon Stone!)

**Sharon: **Oh—I didn't  know so many people live in this apartment. 

(Everyone is shocked.)

Ending Credits 

[Scene: The library's Paleontology section. Ross climbs a ladder, still trying to find his book.]

**Old Woman's Voice:** Excuse me sonny, can you tell me where the books about sex are?

**Ross: **(smiling and shaking his head) How about I take you home and teach you what you need to know.

(Ross turns around, expecting to see Phoebe again. He looks down to see an elderly woman standing behind him.)

**Ross: **(Gasps) Oh God, I am so sorry ma'am.

**Old Woman: **It's ok dear, but I think I could teach you a thing or two.

(The elderly woman grabs Ross' butt and winks. Ross stands completely frozen. The woman walks away, laughing. Ross is still unable to move.) 

**Ross: **(thinking) _Oh no, this is high school all over again!_

End 


	2. Chapter 2

The One With Sharon Stone (Part 2) 

* * *

Written by: Roland Chang (e-mail: prayudhi@uninet.net.id)

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

* * *

**Lisa Kudrow: **(voiceover) Previously, on Friends.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, everyone is there.]

**Chandler: **(teasing) Hey Joe! Why do you have to close the door so fast? Is there something you're hiding back there? 

**Joey: **No. (pause) There is **nobody** in my bed.

**Monica: **Joey….

**Rachel: **It's Michael Douglas, isn't it?! See? I knew you would listen to my advice. 

**Joey: **Michael Douglas?! No, Rach! I told you, I'm straight!

**Chandler:** Then who is it Joey?

**Joey: **Well… it's uh—it's uh-    

(Joey's door opens and a beautiful woman wearing a robe comes out. Yeah, you've guessed it right. She's Sharon Stone!)

**Sharon: **Oh—I didn't  know so many people live in this apartment. 

(Everyone is shocked.)

**Monica: **Oh my God! It's Sharon Stone! I can't believe this! I'm such a huge huge **huge **fan!!

**Chandler**: Monica, don't embarrass us like that. (excited) Oh my God, oh my God, it's really her!!

**Joey: **Guys please! Stop being such a fool, you embarrass me.

**Sharon: **It's okay Joey. I enjoy meeting my fans—although not when I'm still wearing a robe like this. 

**Joey: **Sorry Sharon. This are my friends. That's Ross, Chander, Monica, Phoebe, and that's Rachel. She's also my roommate.

**Sharon:**  Ah, nice to meet you all. 

**Ross:** Uh-huh, uh-huh—

**Rachel: **What's the matter, Ross? Cat got your tongue?

**Phoebe:** I thought you were great in _Indecent Proposal._

**Joey: **(convincingly) Yeah, me too. I knew I definitely watched that indecent movie.

**Sharon: **Actually, Demi Moore is in _Indecent Proposal_. 

**Joey:** Whoops. 

Opening Credits 

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

**Joey: **So, doesn't anyone gonna to go to work? 

(Everyone is still staring at Joey.)

**Joey: **Oh come on guys, you're gonna get fired 'cause of me!

**Ross:** Joey, this is Sunday morning. Nobody has to go to work. 

**Phoebe: **Well, I do. But I don't care. Joey's story is gonna be much more interesting than massaging a 79 year-old woman.

**Joey: **There's nothing to tell!

**Chandler: Nothing** to tell?!! For crying out loud, did you know who you just slept with?

**Joey: **Apparently I'm not too familiar, okay? That's why I embarrassed myself before. Although I really didn't know who was **Danny **Moore either. 

**Monica: **It's **Demi **Moore. You remember her don't you Pheebs, when you cut my hair wrong and make it look like **Dudley** Moore?!

**Phoebe:** Oh yeah! (laughing) Yeah, your hair was so messed up it's the funniest thing that… (Monica is not laughing.) …that will always make me feel bad about myself.

**Rachel: **Okay, so how was it? Oh, I'm sorry I was being impolite. (pause) You should start with when, how, and where.

**Joey: **All right, all right. I went to the _Basic Instinct 2_ audition. Oh, it was so crowded. I even saw Brad Pitt and David Arquette in there. 

**Monica: **Really?!! Oh, could you find out if those two are still single available bachelors? Although—I like David Arquette more. I think he's very sexy in a funny kind of way. 

**Rachel: **No kidding! I always find Brad Pitt very funny in a sexy kind of way. 

**Joey:** Guys, I don't care.

**Rachel: **But enough about us! Where were we?

**Chandler: **Joey was in the audition. And you two came out of nowhere with your annoying fantasies. What? Do you think you could like marry them and be their wives?

**Monica:** Well honey, if I wasn't stuck with you, you can bet my name is Monica Geller-Arquette by now.

**Chandler: **(not amused) Heh heh heh. 

**Ross: **Ooh you know what? Our Joey and his lover here had one thing in common.

**Phoebe: **What?

**Ross: **They didn't like to wear any underwear!!

(Everybody laughs, except Joey.)

**Joey: **Hey, do you want to listen the story or not?!

**Rachel:** I'm sorry honey, we're all ears.

**Joey: **Well, it turns out she was involved in the casting process too. So I just use all my best acting stuff. 

**Monica: **Like your smell-the-fart acting?

**Joey: **Especially that! Yeah, come to think of it, I remember she was very impressed by it. 

**Chandler: **Or maybe, she was afraid you were going to smell her actual fart. (Everybody laughs again.)

**Joey: **Very funny! Okay so it came down to three finalist. Me, Brad Pitt, and David Arquette. 

Rachel: Wow! That's great news Joey! 

**Joey:** Yeah, it is. But she said that the decision won't be announced until three days. And I don't know why! It's not like there's a final audition with her or anything.

**Ross:** Oh my God!

**Joey:** What?

**Ross: **Until three days?! Don't you people know what this means?! 

**Monica: **What?

**Ross: **She **test-drived** you last night! That's why she needs two days to test-drive the others!!

**Chandler: **Oh dear Lord, I wish there's something I can do to be one of the finalist… (Monica glares at him.) …of the Wimbledon.

**Joey: **What are you talking about—test-drive?!

(Everybody waits for Joey to realize it.)

**Joey: **Test-drive. (finally gets it.) Ooohh test drive… 

Commercial Break 

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from before.]

**Rachel:** Well honey, that's something new. Apparently she's not attracted to you. She just want to hmmm… try you.

**Joey: **Yeah, I didn't even have to say 'How you doin?' with her first. Although it's not like I'm attracted to her. I just want that part so much!

**Phoebe: **Well, you will always be my leading man, Joey. 

**Rachel:** You'll be my leading man too, honey.

**Joey: **Thanks you guys. (Joey stares at Monica, waiting for Monica to say it too.)

**Monica: **What?! I'm stuck with Chandler! 

**Chandler: **(angrily) Honey, if you say **stuck** again one more time, I'm gonna have to throw out all of our **coaster **from the balcony.

**Monica: **Wanna play 'stuck the stick' with me tonight?

**Chandler: **(excited) Okay!

**Ross: **And there's my baby sister, ladies and gentleman.

(Joey's cell-phone rings.)

**Phoebe: **Joey, I think your ass is ringing.

**Joey:** Oh yeah. Sorry guys, if you'll excuse me…. (Joey exits.)

**Rachel:** Poor Joey. (pause) Although I wouldn't mind test-driving Brad Pitt.

**Monica: **Or David Arquette.

**Chandler: **Or Jessica Rabbit.

**Ross: **Or Isabella Rosselinni. Damn! Why did I have to laminate that stupid card?! I could have been Mr. Rosselinni right now, you know.

**Phoebe: **See, that's what makes me different from you guys. I can't see what the big deal is about sleeping with celebrities.

**Ross:** Well Phoebe, since that will never going to happened, I suggest try fantasizing it.

**Phoebe:** Fantasizing it?! What do you mean? Like uh—like…. (Phoebe starts to fantasize about something.) Oh. Ohhh.

**Rachel**: Our little Phoebe is growing up. Who do you fantasize Pheebs? 

**Phoebe: **I have no idea. But he told me his name is Richard Gere.

(Joey comes back.)

**Monica: **Who called?

**Joey: **(upset) Miss Stone herself. She told me I didn't get the part. 

**Ross: **Wait, wait, wait. Is this one of your 'I didn't get it, when in fact I'm lying to you guys and I got good news for you'? 

**Joey: **Ross, how can you say that? (smiles) Yeah, I am! Ladies and gentleman, get ready to meet the new leading man of _Basic Instinct 2_!

**Rachel: **Really, Joey?! She really said that you're hired?!

**Joey: **Well, not really—but she is going to meet me at the apartment this afternoon. I never get called when I didn't get the part. 

**Monica:** Hm. Your test drive's result must've been a very good one. I think I'm gonna test-drive you too one day, you bad boy. (makes kissy faces and winks at Joey.)

(Chandler glares at Monica.)

**Monica: **What?!! You did it with Phoebe! I can do it with Joey too.

**Joey: **Yeah you can, baby. (Chandler glares at Joey now.) No, baby.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around when Phoebe enters.]

**Phoebe: **Hey.

**Chandler: **Hey, Pheebs. How's your massaging days?

**Phoebe**: Well, it was okay I guess. Mrs. Lansbury, you know, the 79 year-old woman, was kinda upset with me because I came very late. Yeah, she was really really mad. But then a guy in my fantasy this morning turns out to be my last client, so it's not so bad.

**Monica:** Wait wait wait. A guy in your fantasy this morning? Richard Gere? 

**Phoebe: **Yup, that's him! Although I know this is only a dream, so I must be ready to wake up any minute now. Oh, he has the most beautiful body ever. He even coming on to me, you know. But I told him no, because I'm afraid I'll wake up while we're still, you know, "having fun". Yup, definitely a dream.  (Rachel goes over to Phoebe and pulls out a hair from the back of her head.) 

**Phoebe: **Oh mother of…. why you do that for??

**Rachel: **Phoebe! This is not a dream!! I can't believe you didn't even ask for his autograph!! 

**Phoebe:** This is not a dream? (realizes) This is not a dream! That's **why **you don't take those pills anymore! (the buzzer rings.)

**Joey:** Okay everyone just calms down. Don't embarrass me again. (Joey opens the door and Sharon's standing there.) Hi Sharon!

**Sharon: **Hi Joey.

**Rachel**: (to Sharon) How dare you test-driving my Brad Pitt!

**Monica: **And how dare you test-driving my David Arquette!

**Sharon: **Test-driving? What are these women talking about? (to Joey) Are they drunk?

**Joey**: No, they're just a little ehmm…cuckoo. Come in, come in. (Joey closes the door.) So, do you have any good news for me? 

**Sharon: **Well… (Everyone is staring at her.) (to everyone) Do you mind?

**All: **Yeah, of course. (They're not staring her again.)

**Sharon:** I come to tell you Joey, that-uh—that you didn't get the part. 

**Joey: **(disappointed) What? But why?

**Sharon: **Because I fell in love with you. That's why I need those three days, to think about how I feel. And that's also why I can't work with you.

**Joey: **You fell—you what?? I can't believe this! 

**Sharon: **I'm sorry Joey.

**Joey: **But I'm not lovable! I'm disgusting! I eat spagetti that falls on the floor! I like porn! I don't flush after I use the toilet! I threw a girl's wooden leg into a fire! I don't wear any underwear! And I don't even remember your movies! 

**Chandler**: Way to go Joe! After this, she can't wait to give you the part!

**Sharon:** But it doesn't matter Joey. Those things are the things that made you attractive.

**Joey: **Really?! But uh-the thing is, I'm-I'm not in love with you. I just want the part, that's all.

**Sharon**: Even after we did it five times last night? 

**Joey: **No, that's not love, sweetie. That's uh-that's what I normally do. (proud of himself.)

**Sharon: **Well, this is surprising. Usually, I dumped man. This is kinda new for me. Well, Joey, I guess we'll be friends then. Goodbye. (She exits.)

(Joey closes the door, turns around and…)

Chandler & Ross: YOU IDIOT!!! Ending Credits 

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is there. There's a knock on the door.]

**Phoebe: **Just a minute. (opens the door and Richard Gere is there.) Richard Gere? What are you doing here? 

**Richard Gere: **Well, I want to say that—I love you, Phoebe Buffay. 

**Phoebe: **Whoa! I'm not going to miss this again—I love you too Richard! Why don't you come in and we'll make love all night long!

**Richard Gere: **Okay! First, I'm going to take off this jacket first. (takes it off.)

**Phoebe:** Ooh, yumm.

**Richard Gere: **Next, I'm going to open my buttons one at a time. Are you ready Pheebs?

**Phoebe**: Oh yeah!! I'm ready!!

(Just when Richard Gere starts to open his first button…)

**Phoebe: **(waking up) Richard? Richard Gere? (realizes that she's dreaming) Oh son of a—

End 


End file.
